No girl in her right mind says, “I wanna be a baby mama when I grow up.” We talk about being nurses, wives, and mothers. We want a nice car, huge house and a family. I know that is what I was saying when I was 10 years old. Now look here I am more than 20 years later doing nothing that I thought I would and not only am I “just a baby mama”, more than one man has given me that title. Smh. If I could do that chapter, well in my case, those chapter(s) over in my life I sure would!
I have grown past caring what people think of me having multiple baby daddies and not being married…well kind of grown past it. Okay, maybe I am still working on that because at this age society expects you to be married but that’s another blog. Anyways, I try not to care what people have to say about me and I do the best I can considering the situation I’ve put myself in. However, the one reason I wish I had a do over is strictly for the kids. My troops is what I affectionately call them. I think of their lives and how this affects them because I am not with any of their fathers. I was with their dads for a little time after they were born and each relationship was toxic in its own way but adding a child to the mix just complicated things more. There I was and man after man I found myself leaving these relationships with another child. How the heck did that happen?! I swear it wasn’t until the last of couple years six children later that I started thinking like well damn…enough is enough. How did I walk away from every serious relationship I’ve ever had with a man and end up with a child from it but no man? How does that happen?
This pattern started when I was a teenager. My oldest is 19 years old now! OG Baby mama foreal!! lol. No, but seriously at this stage in the game I am seeing things that my children are missing out on because of my irresponsibility. My pattern has been to leave one relationship and jump right to another just to have another child and repeat it all again a couple of years. I wish someone would have seriously sat me down and told me about the stress of raising kids alone especially when there are multiple men involved. Different personalities, their families, holidays, who’s buying who what, who’s not buying who sh**, who called, who is in jail now, who got a new girlfriend, who just had another baby but not taking care of this one…. I mean the list goes on and on.
I do a good job most days of blocking out the negative thoughts because with my schedule and five kids to raise ain’t nobody got time for that. But there are times I wonder what life would be like for the kids if they were all had the same father, I was married and in a loving relationship. I wish they could see a man and woman love each other. My boys would see how to treat a woman, my girls would see how a man should treat her. They would be able to see their dad more than just a few times a year. I must admit I did not considered any of this when I was busy being “just a baby mama”. If this is similar to your situation I am not beating you or me up but admitting something is a problem is the first step. I admitted to my shortcomings and daily I repeat this to myself:
You are doing the best you can. Raising them kids on your own. Of course you didn’t plan it this way and yes the kids need their dads but you can only control what you do as a mother. Keep praying for them. Keep praying for their dads and everything will continue to be ok. God knew your mistakes before you made them and there is no way he is going to let the kids suffer because you were young and dumb. Everything the kids truly need God will make sure they get. You are not “just a baby mama” you are a responsible, loving, devoted mother and now you know better so you will do better!
Thank God for that voice